Crazy

This is one of the two craziest times of the year for me...the end of school. The beginning of school is the other. There are just lists and lists of things to get done in a relatively short amount of time. I tend to be fairly organized though and on top of things so it helps me. I couldn't imagine what life would be like if I weren't. On top of all that needs to be done, I am going home for the long Memorial Day weekend. I am really looking forward to hanging out with family and friends. I am anticipating a fantastic weekend. Part of that will involve meeting the newest addition to our family, little William...and getting to watch his big brother, Drake play t-ball. It will be a great weekend but I will be homesick once I return. I always am. I don't understand why I still feel that way. It is one of the things that will have me in serious prayer over the next year as to what my plans for the 2011-2012 school year are to be. I am really going to have to depend on God to show me the way and follow his lead.

On that note, I am interviewing the with Children's minister at my church on June 6th to see where the best place for me would be at church. I really want to help out and feel like it is truly what God wants me to do. I know that I am called to work with children. God has always made that pretty clear to me. I am very excited about the new venture but a little nervous. I know it will all work out the way it is supposed to.

Welcome to the World William Scott!!!

Mommy and Will

Daddy and Will

William Scott White

May 24, 2010 3:44 pm

7 lbs 8 oz and 21 in.

My sweet new nephew was born yesterday. I have not yet gotten to meet him but will be flying to Atlanta after work on Friday to get to hold that sweet baby. I stole the pictures I am posting off of my sister's facebook. To me, he looks just like his big brother Drake when he was born. My sister says she thinks he looks a lot like his daddy but I don't see it. Our family tends to mark our children well. Drake looks just like my sister and it seems to me that so will baby Will. Only time will tell for sure though!!

History in the Making

Another school year is quickly ending. This was year 7 of my career and year 4 at my current location. It is hard to believe that I have taught for that many years. Next year, the students that I student taught in the 4th grade will be seniors. It sometimes feels like life is moving so quickly. Sometimes, I just really want to pause it for a minute and breath in the moment. Even the small moments are moments I don't always want to pass so quickly. On the other hand, I am very excited to see what the rest of my life has in store. I am very interested to see what God has in the plans for my life. Sometimes I wish I had a peep hole into the future but then, what would be the fun in knowing what was ahead. It would be a lot like reading a book out of order. Kind of ruins the book if you know what is going to happen. I like the title of the Darius Rucker song...History in the Making. That is what each day of our lives is...History in the Making. Each moment is important to the next. It's just proof of how awesome and wonderful God is.

Prayers for my Future Husband

It was rather interesting for me today to go back and read over the journal I kept through college. Most of it was dedicated to my various love interests particularly the one I was most serious with. I also have a letter I wrote in 2001 to my future husband. It was interesting to read over that as well. I have changed and grown in a lot of ways, but my hopes and dreams for my future husband have not changed. I realize I am a bit on the old fashioned side but I think old fashioned values are still important today. One thing that has always struck me hard, is that if I am going to get married one day, my husband is already out there in this world somewhere. I often wonder if he is as impatient for the day we are to meet as I am. I pray a lot for him and that he is becoming the man God has planned for me. I also pray that I am becoming the woman that God wants him to have. I hope that he is praying for me also. I also pray that the time is growing near for God to bring us together. One of the things I wrote in my journal was about how my boyfriend at the time wanted to wait until he was 30 to get married. That just sounded crazy to me and I wanted to be married LONG before I turned 30. Well, I will be 30 this year and am still not married...ironically, he is married with a child. Funny how God likes to take my plans and show me that they are mine and not his. One thing I have learned though is that his plan is usually MUCH better than mine if I just wait on it. I refuse to settle for what I think might be best and wait on what God thinks is best!!! To my future husband, my prayers continue to be with you and the man God is growing you to be!!!

The Difference of a Day...not good this time.

It is pretty amazing the difference a day can make. Yesterday I was in a great mood...today, I am so stinkin frustrated I can barely think. My kids are absolutely CRAZY. We only have 9 days left of this school year and it is so obvious. I can't get them to sit down and be quiet and get their work done. What work I do get, is very low quality. I really believe we are pushing these kids too much and need to just end this year a little bit sooner. ARG. I want to be out of this bad mood. I plan to go work out again today and do some more Bible reading when I get home. Hopefully, those two things will really make a difference in this very frustrated mood.

"Holier than Thou"...nope...Just In Love with God

I have a friend lately who likes to tell me that I am acting "holier than thou." That really bothers me. I don't want to act like I am better than anyone else but at the same time, I do feel like having the Holy Spirit within is such an awesome feeling and anyone without it is truly missing out. It seems to consume a lot of what I have talked about lately. I think it is like when you have a new toy or something that you really like...all you want to do is talk about it. I have a fire in my heart for God right now that is unlike anything I have had in a long time. I want others to feel that fire and have it within them also. It isn't that I am "holier than thou", I just want to spread the love of Christ. I do realize that I am still full of sin and that there are many areas of my life that I need to work out. But I am so thankful for grace and that I am forgiven of those sins. It was actually pretty amazing...I typically get very emotional at certain times and really feel like I am losing control of myself. For the first time in many months, that did not happen. It was amazing...and I equate that totally to God. I am so thankful for the group of people that he has blessed me with over the last few months and how their love of Christ and how they live their lives has bubbled over to me. I also realize that valleys will return and that those are the times that truly test us but I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I do believe that God has a purpose and a plan for my life and I am so ready to follow that. I think for several years there, I was not ready to follow. I pray that I continue to feel that way and that I allow God to direct my path and show me the way!!! It's kind of scary really because you never know where and how he is going to take you but it is exciting at the same time.

My Sister

As excited as I am about my new nephew coming, it also reinforces something that just really breaks my heart. That would be my relationship with my sister and the place she gives me in her life. We have never been close but I really thought that would change as we got older. It really has not and not from lack of trying on my part. I know that when I pray for God to help me with certain relationships, the one with her is the one I think I pray the most about. I called her last night to share in the excitement and talk about coming to meet baby Will...all she could talk about was the other people that were coming. It was almost as if it was more important that they would be there than me coming. She's funny like that...with my parents also. Everyone else is more important to her than they are. Which is absolutely crazy after ALL that they have done for her and will continue to do for her. She she expects it from them. It kind of drives me crazy. My parents are 2 of the most important people in my life and I can't stand to see them hurt. The craziness that went on when Drake was born broke my mom's heart. I just hope she is different with Mom and Dad this time. I still pray that one day she can learn to appreciate me and she and I can be close. There are things we have been through together that no one else can share with us...I just pray for the patience to deal with the bad treatment and to love her anyway.

The Waiting Game

I am so super excited. Nephew number 3, William, will be here by next Monday. I can't wait to hold that sweet baby and smoother him in Aunt Trutru kisses!! I want to spoil him as much as I spoiled his brother Drake. Of course, I would love to have my own little ones to spoil but nieces and nephews are the next best thing!!! In some ways, they are better, because you can give them back to their own mommas if they get bad. :) This is going to be one LONG week waiting to meet sweet baby William!!

On another note, I am working on trust and trusting that God has a plan and his own timeline and it is not always lined up with what I want and my timeline. I filled out the application to do more work with Children's Ministry at church but have not heard back from them yet. They call and set up an "interview" to see where your best fit would be within the children's ministry so you have to wait on that. I am so excited to get involved that the wait is a bit torturous. I know that eventually they will call me but waiting is hard. There are many things in life that I am waiting on and it is so hard. I know his plan is perfect but sometimes I wish he'd just listen to my plan a little bit. I want to take control just a little bit but I know I need to trust God and let him be in control.

Old Blogs

I was reading back over some old blogs today and found two that really stuck out in my mind so I am going to copy and paste them and then discuss at the end.

1. "For several years now, I have kept a journal of notes from church and prayers and such. I don't typically reflect on it as often as I should...mainly just while I am sitting in church waiting on the service to start. Well, today, I read back over something that I found interesting and felt like sharing with you guys. It was something I wrote on August 6, 2002...not too long after Jon and I broke up when my heart was still very much broken. What I wrote was: " I pray for the strength to hold my heart tighter and not give it away until is the man I am to marry. I pray for the patience to wait for your perfect timing in bringing that man into my life." I just find that so interesting that I would write that in the middle of heart break but I think it helps explain some things in my life. I have not had the opportunity to date much but maybe that is the reason. My heart is being guarded by God until he brings that man into my life that is the one he perfectly wills for me. I am still working on the patience in waiting for that man but I still have faith that God has him out there. In time, he will unguard my heart when he brings that man into my life."

2. "Is it not so interesting how sometimes God places you in the right place at the right time? Just an interesting thought that has been on my mind since last night. Some of you will know what I am talking about, others will not but just think about it in your own life. How many times were you at the right place at the right time? I fully believe God's timing is perfect. If we wait on him to guide our lives he will orchestrate the daily happenings and the grand events. God is the composer that writes the score of life and the director that tells how to play it. If we try to direct it ourselves, we end up unhappy. I don't know right now how the score of my life will play out but I am very excited to play the music God is writing."

Both of the blogs were written in 2006-2007. I just find them interesting because both have been thoughts on my mind lately. It's funny how God brings things to your mind over and over. It's like he has a particular message for me that he wants to make sure I hear and take to heart. Anyway, just thought I would share those thoughts.

When God Calls, He Will Make You Answer

So, I got part of my answer yesterday about what God has up his sleeve. It is funny how he answers requests sometimes. I know that I have a calling for children's ministry. I have done it for many years but over the last few years have done very little with it. I have helped with the Single Parent Ministry a little bit but not even a lot there. I started feeling the tug a few weeks ago to get more involved at church but really did not know who to contact. I am sure I could have figured it out had I really wanted to but as we are all good at, I made that an excuse. If I didn't know who to talk to, I must not have to do it just yet. Well, God took that excuse away real fast at church last night. One of the mom's from my classroom, spoke in front of the church about volunteering in children's ministry. As if that wasn't clear as mud, a conversation at dinner caused even more conviction. I mentioned what had happened during the service to a couple of people and was basically told that I had to act and that they would ask me if I did next time they saw me. So, today, I talked to the mom that spoke and she immediately sent me the email address of who I needed to talk to and I sent him an email. Now I am just waiting on a response from him as to what my next step will be. I know that if it is within God's will it can't be bad. I know that I am one step closer to answering my call. Scary stuff.

I am just amazed at how ready I feel to take that step again. I had stepped out of helping in children's ministry for a couple of reasons. One, the daily wear of being in the classroom made it feel like work and not joyful. I did not think that was fair to the kids I was supposed to be ministering to. Secondly, I was at a point in my life where God was not my focus. And when God is not your focus, your priorities get all out of whack. That was where I was. And honestly, I liked my lifestyle for awhile. I liked going out and drinking and having a good time and not feeling like I was accountable to anyone for those actions. I could not be honest with the kids I was ministering to if I was out whooping it up in my non church life. Both of those things no longer feel like issues. God took away my desire to drink (except maybe an occasional glass of wine)....and I feel like I have joy again outside of class. Of course, I think a lot of that could have to do with getting that focus back. God brings joy to your life when you let him. I just hope that through my actions, I am bringing joy to him.

We talked last night in small group about what worship truly is and decided that it is much more than just a song or a quiet moment. It goes further than just a Sunday service or a Bible study session. True worship is how you live your lives. It is glorifying HIM in all you do. That is what I want. It is definitely a conscious effort to remember that what I do is for him sometimes but I think it will get easier with time. The example we gave last night was the milkmaid...she should be joyful and honoring God even as she milks the cows. Even the smallest of tasks can be for his glory!! AMEN!!! :)

Sad...yet excited!

I think it is a good thing that no one actually reads this. I may even take it off of my facebook page as a link just to keep it a little more personal. It makes it a little easier to pour out my heart if I think it is pretty much between me and God alone. I am so sad tonight. I can see the hurt in a great friend's eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It is still the same conflict...I can stop it...but then become miserable myself...and I've been there...I don't want to go there again. I really do like the direction my life is going now. I feel like I am closer to God than I have probably ever been before and that is EXCITING!!! I feel like I am getting so much closer to finding and following the calling he has for my life. I am truly inspired by those men and women that I spend my Sunday nights and my Tuesday evenings with. I am excited to spend more time with them and learn from them and grow with them. I am ready for God to prepare me for the next stage in my life. I don't know if is the prospect of turning 30 (7 months from today) or just that I have reached that point where I am truly ready. It's scary. It's a time of brutal honesty with God pouring out my heart and my soul. It is a time of having to completely trust him and have faith that he has a plan and he will put that plan into motion. I just don't know how I can keep from causing pain and hurt in the process. I think it would be much easier if my friend had a love for Christ that would get him through trials and tribulations but I don't think he is there yet. I think he loves God and has accepted him as a savior but doesn't truly understand what that means. I pray that God will show him that. I pray that God will bring him a friend...male or female...that can show him that. I feel like I have planted seeds but I can't make them grow. He has to take them and cultivate them and make the flourish.

Torn

What do you do when you are torn between what has always been there and what could be there...especially if what could be there could be your future? I feel so caught between hurting someone who has been and will be as long as I let them...a pretty awesome friend...and the possibility of meeting the one who I am meant to spend my life with. I don't know if God is bringing that person to me anytime soon but in my heart I hope so much that he is. I have not been ready to let go of the other and have held on to it so tightly and have prayed that God give me the strength to loosen my hold a little bit. I feel like God is doing that but in the process, it is hurting my friend. And I can't stand to hurt those that I care the most about. Wow, I just never realized it would be this hard. On the other side, this is kind of what my friend put me through for years. My heart would really start thinking maybe, even though a lot of things I feel like are pretty important in a relationship were missing, he could still be the one given time...and then he would do something to dash that idea and my heart would shatter. I have realized now that there are guys out there that are what I have always felt is important. I believe that my husband will be the spiritually leader of my family. I believe he will challenge me and help me to grow closer to God. I believe that in marriage the things that need to be done for God can be done even stronger through that partnership. There are men out there that will be that...and although my friend is a great person...he is not that for me. And I have to make my heart ready for the one that is so that maybe God can bring him to me soon. But I can't stand hurting my friend. I just don't know what to say to make him understand.

Giving Up Control

Yesterday during my quiet time, the lesson was about surrendering your life to God and fully trusting in him. That has caused me to take a minute and really think...have I surrendered my life fully to Him or am I still holding pieces for myself? I am at such a weird place right now that I just don't know that I can even explain it. I feel like God has something in store that will be pretty awesome but how or when it will happen, I have no idea. Now let me clarify and say that I have NO IDEA what the something in store is, I just have a feeling. Maybe it has to do with my 30th birthday inching closer. For most of this week, I have had a rare giddy excitement as I wait for what he has in store. Today has been harder. Today has been a day that I want to take back control and work out all the pieces for myself. Today has been a day that I have started thinking that maybe I am wrong...maybe my life is going to go on just as it is without any significant movement. As scary as change is, I really feel ready for it. This is a place I have not been in a really long time. On top of that, it is also a time that I realized that something I have wanted for many years is no longer something I want. I have been praying for God to either make the situation happen or to make it less of something I desire. I feel like it has been answered with the latter. I think that is a good thing. I think there are better options than what I first thought. I think that was me trying to control my situation and not letting God handle it. Now that I am letting go of that, I so greatly want him to step in and show me how he is the one in control and that I just have to have faith. That scares me to no end...either way, it is scary. Him stepping in and answering will be WAY scarier than I thought possible and realizing it may not be what I thought but something else is even scarier. I want to give up control and wait on God so desperately....I am praying so hard that I can do that. I want to have the faith that moves mountains. I also want to make sure that I am desiring the right things and not concentrating on something that is not what God would want. I am so confused right now and I just continue to pray that I might surrender completely to him!!!

Analyzing EVERYTHING

Have you ever taken a conversation and torn it apart afterward trying to understand every hidden meaning in every little word? Are you ever successful at getting the right meaning? I don't know. I have been doing that a lot lately, analyzing until I don't think I can analyze anymore...and then somehow I manage to. It's crazy...I'm no closer to understanding than when I started and maybe I should just take it at face value but I can't. I think this applys to our conversations with God as well. Sometimes, he just wants a chat without super analyzing going on. Take him at face value and have faith that what he is telling you is what he means.

Trying to Figure Out God: Impossible

So yea, God really has my mind occupied with trying to figure out what he's got going on. I know that he will reveal his plan in time, but I want to know now. I really feel that I am at the beginning of something big and a little scary and exciting all at the same time. Not quite sure what I think about that. I know that I can't hardly keep from smiling. I know that I am in a great mood and can't even make it go away with wild and crazy students. That is a good thing. I am continuing to pray that I let God lead the way and that I listen carefully to what he has to say. I think if I can let that be, no matter the outcome, God will guide me through!!!

Trusting God

In Bible study groups, we have talked a lot lately about trusting in God being able to do things that are bigger than we can imagine. I feel like he may be on the verge of doing that in my own life. If I am listening correctly, I think I know what he is telling me may come to be. I'm not 100% sure because it could just be my own wants but it just feels more like him. If it is him, it is going to take some major work on his part to make it happen. The great thing about it is that I know he is fully capable of making things happen that we don't even think are possible. I am continuing to pray that I follow him and not try to take control and try to make things happen myself. I wish I could give more details but there are not really more to give at this time. Mainly just pray that I listen to God and follow his directions.

Make new friends...but keep the old...one is silver and the other gold!

I had an awesome weekend!! I spent time with my parents and time with old friends I had not seen in awhile. It was really a great time! I went to my parents on Thursday and then Friday, got up and headed to Hot Springs. I hung out that afternoon with my old college friends, Rachel and Jaime. The next day, we had a Surprise Baby shower for our friend Kristy and a day at the Spa with Kristy and several other old friends. After that was over, I went back to my parents and spent time hanging out with them. I won't go home for Mother's Day next weekend so I did that early with Mom this weekend. Sadly, none of my siblings came by to say hello but thus is life.

I remembered this weekend how beautiful Arkansas is and how much I truly do miss it. I am starting to more and more want to head back that way in the next few years. We'll see though. It will be interesting to see what God has up his sleeve for me in my life. This year alone has been such an amazing year as far as growing in him goes. I have found a great group of people who challenge me and push me in my spiritual walk. They along with the church are showing me more and more about reaching out to others in his name. I'm not sure where that will take me but I know if I pray and listen, it will be where God leads me.

I am also praying about another thing in my life that I am starting to feel may be up God's sleeve. If it is, it is a very exciting thing and I can't wait to see what happens with it. I'm not quite ready to post about it on here yet because I don't want to start counting chickens before they hatch. I am trying not to read too much into a situation but at the same time, hope I am reading the right things. Please pray that I allow God to take the lead in this and not let me try to take control and possibly mess up his plan whatever that might be.

I just have to end by saying once again what an amazing God we serve. No matter the outcome, his plan is perfect and we have to remember that.