Sad...yet excited!

I think it is a good thing that no one actually reads this. I may even take it off of my facebook page as a link just to keep it a little more personal. It makes it a little easier to pour out my heart if I think it is pretty much between me and God alone. I am so sad tonight. I can see the hurt in a great friend's eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It is still the same conflict...I can stop it...but then become miserable myself...and I've been there...I don't want to go there again. I really do like the direction my life is going now. I feel like I am closer to God than I have probably ever been before and that is EXCITING!!! I feel like I am getting so much closer to finding and following the calling he has for my life. I am truly inspired by those men and women that I spend my Sunday nights and my Tuesday evenings with. I am excited to spend more time with them and learn from them and grow with them. I am ready for God to prepare me for the next stage in my life. I don't know if is the prospect of turning 30 (7 months from today) or just that I have reached that point where I am truly ready. It's scary. It's a time of brutal honesty with God pouring out my heart and my soul. It is a time of having to completely trust him and have faith that he has a plan and he will put that plan into motion. I just don't know how I can keep from causing pain and hurt in the process. I think it would be much easier if my friend had a love for Christ that would get him through trials and tribulations but I don't think he is there yet. I think he loves God and has accepted him as a savior but doesn't truly understand what that means. I pray that God will show him that. I pray that God will bring him a friend...male or female...that can show him that. I feel like I have planted seeds but I can't make them grow. He has to take them and cultivate them and make the flourish.

Torn

What do you do when you are torn between what has always been there and what could be there...especially if what could be there could be your future? I feel so caught between hurting someone who has been and will be as long as I let them...a pretty awesome friend...and the possibility of meeting the one who I am meant to spend my life with. I don't know if God is bringing that person to me anytime soon but in my heart I hope so much that he is. I have not been ready to let go of the other and have held on to it so tightly and have prayed that God give me the strength to loosen my hold a little bit. I feel like God is doing that but in the process, it is hurting my friend. And I can't stand to hurt those that I care the most about. Wow, I just never realized it would be this hard. On the other side, this is kind of what my friend put me through for years. My heart would really start thinking maybe, even though a lot of things I feel like are pretty important in a relationship were missing, he could still be the one given time...and then he would do something to dash that idea and my heart would shatter. I have realized now that there are guys out there that are what I have always felt is important. I believe that my husband will be the spiritually leader of my family. I believe he will challenge me and help me to grow closer to God. I believe that in marriage the things that need to be done for God can be done even stronger through that partnership. There are men out there that will be that...and although my friend is a great person...he is not that for me. And I have to make my heart ready for the one that is so that maybe God can bring him to me soon. But I can't stand hurting my friend. I just don't know what to say to make him understand.

Giving Up Control

Yesterday during my quiet time, the lesson was about surrendering your life to God and fully trusting in him. That has caused me to take a minute and really think...have I surrendered my life fully to Him or am I still holding pieces for myself? I am at such a weird place right now that I just don't know that I can even explain it. I feel like God has something in store that will be pretty awesome but how or when it will happen, I have no idea. Now let me clarify and say that I have NO IDEA what the something in store is, I just have a feeling. Maybe it has to do with my 30th birthday inching closer. For most of this week, I have had a rare giddy excitement as I wait for what he has in store. Today has been harder. Today has been a day that I want to take back control and work out all the pieces for myself. Today has been a day that I have started thinking that maybe I am wrong...maybe my life is going to go on just as it is without any significant movement. As scary as change is, I really feel ready for it. This is a place I have not been in a really long time. On top of that, it is also a time that I realized that something I have wanted for many years is no longer something I want. I have been praying for God to either make the situation happen or to make it less of something I desire. I feel like it has been answered with the latter. I think that is a good thing. I think there are better options than what I first thought. I think that was me trying to control my situation and not letting God handle it. Now that I am letting go of that, I so greatly want him to step in and show me how he is the one in control and that I just have to have faith. That scares me to no end...either way, it is scary. Him stepping in and answering will be WAY scarier than I thought possible and realizing it may not be what I thought but something else is even scarier. I want to give up control and wait on God so desperately....I am praying so hard that I can do that. I want to have the faith that moves mountains. I also want to make sure that I am desiring the right things and not concentrating on something that is not what God would want. I am so confused right now and I just continue to pray that I might surrender completely to him!!!

Analyzing EVERYTHING

Have you ever taken a conversation and torn it apart afterward trying to understand every hidden meaning in every little word? Are you ever successful at getting the right meaning? I don't know. I have been doing that a lot lately, analyzing until I don't think I can analyze anymore...and then somehow I manage to. It's crazy...I'm no closer to understanding than when I started and maybe I should just take it at face value but I can't. I think this applys to our conversations with God as well. Sometimes, he just wants a chat without super analyzing going on. Take him at face value and have faith that what he is telling you is what he means.

Trying to Figure Out God: Impossible

So yea, God really has my mind occupied with trying to figure out what he's got going on. I know that he will reveal his plan in time, but I want to know now. I really feel that I am at the beginning of something big and a little scary and exciting all at the same time. Not quite sure what I think about that. I know that I can't hardly keep from smiling. I know that I am in a great mood and can't even make it go away with wild and crazy students. That is a good thing. I am continuing to pray that I let God lead the way and that I listen carefully to what he has to say. I think if I can let that be, no matter the outcome, God will guide me through!!!

Trusting God

In Bible study groups, we have talked a lot lately about trusting in God being able to do things that are bigger than we can imagine. I feel like he may be on the verge of doing that in my own life. If I am listening correctly, I think I know what he is telling me may come to be. I'm not 100% sure because it could just be my own wants but it just feels more like him. If it is him, it is going to take some major work on his part to make it happen. The great thing about it is that I know he is fully capable of making things happen that we don't even think are possible. I am continuing to pray that I follow him and not try to take control and try to make things happen myself. I wish I could give more details but there are not really more to give at this time. Mainly just pray that I listen to God and follow his directions.

Make new friends...but keep the old...one is silver and the other gold!

I had an awesome weekend!! I spent time with my parents and time with old friends I had not seen in awhile. It was really a great time! I went to my parents on Thursday and then Friday, got up and headed to Hot Springs. I hung out that afternoon with my old college friends, Rachel and Jaime. The next day, we had a Surprise Baby shower for our friend Kristy and a day at the Spa with Kristy and several other old friends. After that was over, I went back to my parents and spent time hanging out with them. I won't go home for Mother's Day next weekend so I did that early with Mom this weekend. Sadly, none of my siblings came by to say hello but thus is life.

I remembered this weekend how beautiful Arkansas is and how much I truly do miss it. I am starting to more and more want to head back that way in the next few years. We'll see though. It will be interesting to see what God has up his sleeve for me in my life. This year alone has been such an amazing year as far as growing in him goes. I have found a great group of people who challenge me and push me in my spiritual walk. They along with the church are showing me more and more about reaching out to others in his name. I'm not sure where that will take me but I know if I pray and listen, it will be where God leads me.

I am also praying about another thing in my life that I am starting to feel may be up God's sleeve. If it is, it is a very exciting thing and I can't wait to see what happens with it. I'm not quite ready to post about it on here yet because I don't want to start counting chickens before they hatch. I am trying not to read too much into a situation but at the same time, hope I am reading the right things. Please pray that I allow God to take the lead in this and not let me try to take control and possibly mess up his plan whatever that might be.

I just have to end by saying once again what an amazing God we serve. No matter the outcome, his plan is perfect and we have to remember that.