Giving Up Control

Yesterday during my quiet time, the lesson was about surrendering your life to God and fully trusting in him. That has caused me to take a minute and really think...have I surrendered my life fully to Him or am I still holding pieces for myself? I am at such a weird place right now that I just don't know that I can even explain it. I feel like God has something in store that will be pretty awesome but how or when it will happen, I have no idea. Now let me clarify and say that I have NO IDEA what the something in store is, I just have a feeling. Maybe it has to do with my 30th birthday inching closer. For most of this week, I have had a rare giddy excitement as I wait for what he has in store. Today has been harder. Today has been a day that I want to take back control and work out all the pieces for myself. Today has been a day that I have started thinking that maybe I am wrong...maybe my life is going to go on just as it is without any significant movement. As scary as change is, I really feel ready for it. This is a place I have not been in a really long time. On top of that, it is also a time that I realized that something I have wanted for many years is no longer something I want. I have been praying for God to either make the situation happen or to make it less of something I desire. I feel like it has been answered with the latter. I think that is a good thing. I think there are better options than what I first thought. I think that was me trying to control my situation and not letting God handle it. Now that I am letting go of that, I so greatly want him to step in and show me how he is the one in control and that I just have to have faith. That scares me to no end...either way, it is scary. Him stepping in and answering will be WAY scarier than I thought possible and realizing it may not be what I thought but something else is even scarier. I want to give up control and wait on God so desperately....I am praying so hard that I can do that. I want to have the faith that moves mountains. I also want to make sure that I am desiring the right things and not concentrating on something that is not what God would want. I am so confused right now and I just continue to pray that I might surrender completely to him!!!

Analyzing EVERYTHING

Have you ever taken a conversation and torn it apart afterward trying to understand every hidden meaning in every little word? Are you ever successful at getting the right meaning? I don't know. I have been doing that a lot lately, analyzing until I don't think I can analyze anymore...and then somehow I manage to. It's crazy...I'm no closer to understanding than when I started and maybe I should just take it at face value but I can't. I think this applys to our conversations with God as well. Sometimes, he just wants a chat without super analyzing going on. Take him at face value and have faith that what he is telling you is what he means.

Trying to Figure Out God: Impossible

So yea, God really has my mind occupied with trying to figure out what he's got going on. I know that he will reveal his plan in time, but I want to know now. I really feel that I am at the beginning of something big and a little scary and exciting all at the same time. Not quite sure what I think about that. I know that I can't hardly keep from smiling. I know that I am in a great mood and can't even make it go away with wild and crazy students. That is a good thing. I am continuing to pray that I let God lead the way and that I listen carefully to what he has to say. I think if I can let that be, no matter the outcome, God will guide me through!!!

Trusting God

In Bible study groups, we have talked a lot lately about trusting in God being able to do things that are bigger than we can imagine. I feel like he may be on the verge of doing that in my own life. If I am listening correctly, I think I know what he is telling me may come to be. I'm not 100% sure because it could just be my own wants but it just feels more like him. If it is him, it is going to take some major work on his part to make it happen. The great thing about it is that I know he is fully capable of making things happen that we don't even think are possible. I am continuing to pray that I follow him and not try to take control and try to make things happen myself. I wish I could give more details but there are not really more to give at this time. Mainly just pray that I listen to God and follow his directions.

Make new friends...but keep the old...one is silver and the other gold!

I had an awesome weekend!! I spent time with my parents and time with old friends I had not seen in awhile. It was really a great time! I went to my parents on Thursday and then Friday, got up and headed to Hot Springs. I hung out that afternoon with my old college friends, Rachel and Jaime. The next day, we had a Surprise Baby shower for our friend Kristy and a day at the Spa with Kristy and several other old friends. After that was over, I went back to my parents and spent time hanging out with them. I won't go home for Mother's Day next weekend so I did that early with Mom this weekend. Sadly, none of my siblings came by to say hello but thus is life.

I remembered this weekend how beautiful Arkansas is and how much I truly do miss it. I am starting to more and more want to head back that way in the next few years. We'll see though. It will be interesting to see what God has up his sleeve for me in my life. This year alone has been such an amazing year as far as growing in him goes. I have found a great group of people who challenge me and push me in my spiritual walk. They along with the church are showing me more and more about reaching out to others in his name. I'm not sure where that will take me but I know if I pray and listen, it will be where God leads me.

I am also praying about another thing in my life that I am starting to feel may be up God's sleeve. If it is, it is a very exciting thing and I can't wait to see what happens with it. I'm not quite ready to post about it on here yet because I don't want to start counting chickens before they hatch. I am trying not to read too much into a situation but at the same time, hope I am reading the right things. Please pray that I allow God to take the lead in this and not let me try to take control and possibly mess up his plan whatever that might be.

I just have to end by saying once again what an amazing God we serve. No matter the outcome, his plan is perfect and we have to remember that.

Conflicted

I must start out by saying that I had a fantastic weekend. My best friend and her two year old came to visit and we shopped, caught a movie and ate yummy food. I always enjoy spending time with her. I feel so blessed to have a friend like her. We have known each other literally since the womb. Our parents took Lamaze classes together. Interestingly, we were friends all the way through school but not super great friends until like 8th or 9th grade. In fact, I got her suspended in 5th grade but that is another story for another day. After high school we became even closer, and have been there for each other through so much...the loss of a grandparent and a baby, her wedding, her babies, crazy siblings, etc. We can go weeks without talking but when we do talk, it's like we've not missed a day. I am so thankful for her and her sweet family in my life. I also enjoyed a fantastic church service tonight and fellowship with new friends at The Point.

That was most of my weekend...the part that has me conflicted, came the last hour or so. These new and exciting adventures I am taking in my life, seem to be hurting a great friendship I already have. I don't want to hurt that friendship but I also can't rely on it to always be there besides the fact that I thrive on socialization and don't do well with just sitting around. I know at some point, he will meet a lovely girl or I will meet an amazing man and thus end our friendship. At some point, for either of us to be truly happy, that must happen. I am pretty certain, we are not supposed to be together, and I don't want to miss the one I am supposed to be with. It's such a struggle and one I don't quite know how to put into words. I don't want to lose the great friendship we have but I also want to get married and have kids. I want to have girl friends to hang out with and I want Christian friends to lift me up and challenge me in my daily walk with Christ. But my friend seems to be hurting and I can't stand that either. I just don't know how to fix it and us both be happy. Somebody has to be sad, and I just don't know how to handle that. I'm just so torn. So conflicted.

Question for God

I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan for each and everyone of us. It is something I believe from the bottom of my heart.

Do I ever question his plan...totally...and right now, I have a serious question for him. A great friend of mine suffered a miscarriage in September. She finally got pregnant again in December and has had a rough go of the pregnancy almost from the beginning. She did everything the doctor's instructed her to do and still lost her sweet baby Wednesday. I just don't understand. She and her husband are both amazing Christian people and will make amazing parents. Any child born to them or if necessary adopted, will be totally blessed. I often wonder how wonderful people like them struggle to have children while abusive, horrible people are able to procreate. It just makes no sense to me. I guess God's plan isn't supposed to make complete sense to any of us but still....I want to know. I think that is on my list of questions to eventually ask God when I reach heaven.

My heart is just broken for my friend. I don't really know how to reach out to her other than to let her know that she is in my prayers and in my thoughts. I just continue to pray that God wraps his loving arms around her, her husband and the rest of her family during their grief. On a good note, their sweet baby never had to know the evils of the world. Maybe in some ways, Kamdyn Grace is luckier than any of us...she got to go straight from the safety of her mother's womb to the loving arms of our loving Savior.

Susan, if you ever read this, you are very loved and always prayed for!! I know it may not be obvious now, but God has a plan and in our grief is when we reach out to him the most!!