Analyzing EVERYTHING

Have you ever taken a conversation and torn it apart afterward trying to understand every hidden meaning in every little word? Are you ever successful at getting the right meaning? I don't know. I have been doing that a lot lately, analyzing until I don't think I can analyze anymore...and then somehow I manage to. It's crazy...I'm no closer to understanding than when I started and maybe I should just take it at face value but I can't. I think this applys to our conversations with God as well. Sometimes, he just wants a chat without super analyzing going on. Take him at face value and have faith that what he is telling you is what he means.

Trying to Figure Out God: Impossible

So yea, God really has my mind occupied with trying to figure out what he's got going on. I know that he will reveal his plan in time, but I want to know now. I really feel that I am at the beginning of something big and a little scary and exciting all at the same time. Not quite sure what I think about that. I know that I can't hardly keep from smiling. I know that I am in a great mood and can't even make it go away with wild and crazy students. That is a good thing. I am continuing to pray that I let God lead the way and that I listen carefully to what he has to say. I think if I can let that be, no matter the outcome, God will guide me through!!!

Trusting God

In Bible study groups, we have talked a lot lately about trusting in God being able to do things that are bigger than we can imagine. I feel like he may be on the verge of doing that in my own life. If I am listening correctly, I think I know what he is telling me may come to be. I'm not 100% sure because it could just be my own wants but it just feels more like him. If it is him, it is going to take some major work on his part to make it happen. The great thing about it is that I know he is fully capable of making things happen that we don't even think are possible. I am continuing to pray that I follow him and not try to take control and try to make things happen myself. I wish I could give more details but there are not really more to give at this time. Mainly just pray that I listen to God and follow his directions.

Make new friends...but keep the old...one is silver and the other gold!

I had an awesome weekend!! I spent time with my parents and time with old friends I had not seen in awhile. It was really a great time! I went to my parents on Thursday and then Friday, got up and headed to Hot Springs. I hung out that afternoon with my old college friends, Rachel and Jaime. The next day, we had a Surprise Baby shower for our friend Kristy and a day at the Spa with Kristy and several other old friends. After that was over, I went back to my parents and spent time hanging out with them. I won't go home for Mother's Day next weekend so I did that early with Mom this weekend. Sadly, none of my siblings came by to say hello but thus is life.

I remembered this weekend how beautiful Arkansas is and how much I truly do miss it. I am starting to more and more want to head back that way in the next few years. We'll see though. It will be interesting to see what God has up his sleeve for me in my life. This year alone has been such an amazing year as far as growing in him goes. I have found a great group of people who challenge me and push me in my spiritual walk. They along with the church are showing me more and more about reaching out to others in his name. I'm not sure where that will take me but I know if I pray and listen, it will be where God leads me.

I am also praying about another thing in my life that I am starting to feel may be up God's sleeve. If it is, it is a very exciting thing and I can't wait to see what happens with it. I'm not quite ready to post about it on here yet because I don't want to start counting chickens before they hatch. I am trying not to read too much into a situation but at the same time, hope I am reading the right things. Please pray that I allow God to take the lead in this and not let me try to take control and possibly mess up his plan whatever that might be.

I just have to end by saying once again what an amazing God we serve. No matter the outcome, his plan is perfect and we have to remember that.

Conflicted

I must start out by saying that I had a fantastic weekend. My best friend and her two year old came to visit and we shopped, caught a movie and ate yummy food. I always enjoy spending time with her. I feel so blessed to have a friend like her. We have known each other literally since the womb. Our parents took Lamaze classes together. Interestingly, we were friends all the way through school but not super great friends until like 8th or 9th grade. In fact, I got her suspended in 5th grade but that is another story for another day. After high school we became even closer, and have been there for each other through so much...the loss of a grandparent and a baby, her wedding, her babies, crazy siblings, etc. We can go weeks without talking but when we do talk, it's like we've not missed a day. I am so thankful for her and her sweet family in my life. I also enjoyed a fantastic church service tonight and fellowship with new friends at The Point.

That was most of my weekend...the part that has me conflicted, came the last hour or so. These new and exciting adventures I am taking in my life, seem to be hurting a great friendship I already have. I don't want to hurt that friendship but I also can't rely on it to always be there besides the fact that I thrive on socialization and don't do well with just sitting around. I know at some point, he will meet a lovely girl or I will meet an amazing man and thus end our friendship. At some point, for either of us to be truly happy, that must happen. I am pretty certain, we are not supposed to be together, and I don't want to miss the one I am supposed to be with. It's such a struggle and one I don't quite know how to put into words. I don't want to lose the great friendship we have but I also want to get married and have kids. I want to have girl friends to hang out with and I want Christian friends to lift me up and challenge me in my daily walk with Christ. But my friend seems to be hurting and I can't stand that either. I just don't know how to fix it and us both be happy. Somebody has to be sad, and I just don't know how to handle that. I'm just so torn. So conflicted.

Question for God

I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan for each and everyone of us. It is something I believe from the bottom of my heart.

Do I ever question his plan...totally...and right now, I have a serious question for him. A great friend of mine suffered a miscarriage in September. She finally got pregnant again in December and has had a rough go of the pregnancy almost from the beginning. She did everything the doctor's instructed her to do and still lost her sweet baby Wednesday. I just don't understand. She and her husband are both amazing Christian people and will make amazing parents. Any child born to them or if necessary adopted, will be totally blessed. I often wonder how wonderful people like them struggle to have children while abusive, horrible people are able to procreate. It just makes no sense to me. I guess God's plan isn't supposed to make complete sense to any of us but still....I want to know. I think that is on my list of questions to eventually ask God when I reach heaven.

My heart is just broken for my friend. I don't really know how to reach out to her other than to let her know that she is in my prayers and in my thoughts. I just continue to pray that God wraps his loving arms around her, her husband and the rest of her family during their grief. On a good note, their sweet baby never had to know the evils of the world. Maybe in some ways, Kamdyn Grace is luckier than any of us...she got to go straight from the safety of her mother's womb to the loving arms of our loving Savior.

Susan, if you ever read this, you are very loved and always prayed for!! I know it may not be obvious now, but God has a plan and in our grief is when we reach out to him the most!!

The Good, The Bad, and the Best part of my Week

Let's be positive first. My friend that I wrote about in my last post that was driving me crazy was actually quite nice yesterday even helping me to clean the kitchen. That's a rarity. My friend has agreed to buy dinner tomorrow night but we shall see if that actually happens. There have been times where I have questioned this particular friendship and why I really hang on to it because it is so frustrating so often. Days like yesterday remind me why. Some friends are worth sticking with through thick and then.

Now...the negative. I have a coworker that drives me insane. I try really hard to be positive with this person but it is often quite hard. This coworker contributes very little to the team but is quick to take. For example, we did science experiments yesterday that required some outside materials. The other 3 of us quickly volunteered to bring most of the necessary items. This person never once volunteered and then got a little mad when she did not get one of the materials sent to her. HELLO....get off your lazy butt and go get it. Then she never has plans figured out for herself but is always quick to see what we have copied and take from it. Now let me clarify, I do believe that as a team you should share BUT....I believe you should do your part and not always take. Today at lunch, someone asked what I was eating and said that it looked good....her response...well, we wouldn't know since she doesn't bring enough for everyone. HELLO again...I am 29 years old and single. I have taught 7 years and yes, I still live pay check to pay check. I hope by the time I am in my 50s and have taught for over 30 years, I am no longer living that way. I hope to make better life choices. I try really hard to be patient but it is growing more and more difficult to succeed at that when I stay so frustrated by everything that comes out of her mouth. Ever so often, and that is very rarely, I enjoy a moment of conversation with her. I want to be a light for God for this person but oh my goodness, I don't know that I can. ARG.

Anyway, that's todays vent. Tonight is Bible Study with the girls and I look forward to it. We are finishing up Francis Chan's Forgotten God. If I have not already said so, I highly recommend it. I would like to read his book Crazy Love next. This is such a great group of women and I enjoy meeting with them every week and growing in the Holy Spirit with them!! It definitely makes my week a little bit better!!