Conflicted

I must start out by saying that I had a fantastic weekend. My best friend and her two year old came to visit and we shopped, caught a movie and ate yummy food. I always enjoy spending time with her. I feel so blessed to have a friend like her. We have known each other literally since the womb. Our parents took Lamaze classes together. Interestingly, we were friends all the way through school but not super great friends until like 8th or 9th grade. In fact, I got her suspended in 5th grade but that is another story for another day. After high school we became even closer, and have been there for each other through so much...the loss of a grandparent and a baby, her wedding, her babies, crazy siblings, etc. We can go weeks without talking but when we do talk, it's like we've not missed a day. I am so thankful for her and her sweet family in my life. I also enjoyed a fantastic church service tonight and fellowship with new friends at The Point.

That was most of my weekend...the part that has me conflicted, came the last hour or so. These new and exciting adventures I am taking in my life, seem to be hurting a great friendship I already have. I don't want to hurt that friendship but I also can't rely on it to always be there besides the fact that I thrive on socialization and don't do well with just sitting around. I know at some point, he will meet a lovely girl or I will meet an amazing man and thus end our friendship. At some point, for either of us to be truly happy, that must happen. I am pretty certain, we are not supposed to be together, and I don't want to miss the one I am supposed to be with. It's such a struggle and one I don't quite know how to put into words. I don't want to lose the great friendship we have but I also want to get married and have kids. I want to have girl friends to hang out with and I want Christian friends to lift me up and challenge me in my daily walk with Christ. But my friend seems to be hurting and I can't stand that either. I just don't know how to fix it and us both be happy. Somebody has to be sad, and I just don't know how to handle that. I'm just so torn. So conflicted.

Question for God

I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan for each and everyone of us. It is something I believe from the bottom of my heart.

Do I ever question his plan...totally...and right now, I have a serious question for him. A great friend of mine suffered a miscarriage in September. She finally got pregnant again in December and has had a rough go of the pregnancy almost from the beginning. She did everything the doctor's instructed her to do and still lost her sweet baby Wednesday. I just don't understand. She and her husband are both amazing Christian people and will make amazing parents. Any child born to them or if necessary adopted, will be totally blessed. I often wonder how wonderful people like them struggle to have children while abusive, horrible people are able to procreate. It just makes no sense to me. I guess God's plan isn't supposed to make complete sense to any of us but still....I want to know. I think that is on my list of questions to eventually ask God when I reach heaven.

My heart is just broken for my friend. I don't really know how to reach out to her other than to let her know that she is in my prayers and in my thoughts. I just continue to pray that God wraps his loving arms around her, her husband and the rest of her family during their grief. On a good note, their sweet baby never had to know the evils of the world. Maybe in some ways, Kamdyn Grace is luckier than any of us...she got to go straight from the safety of her mother's womb to the loving arms of our loving Savior.

Susan, if you ever read this, you are very loved and always prayed for!! I know it may not be obvious now, but God has a plan and in our grief is when we reach out to him the most!!

The Good, The Bad, and the Best part of my Week

Let's be positive first. My friend that I wrote about in my last post that was driving me crazy was actually quite nice yesterday even helping me to clean the kitchen. That's a rarity. My friend has agreed to buy dinner tomorrow night but we shall see if that actually happens. There have been times where I have questioned this particular friendship and why I really hang on to it because it is so frustrating so often. Days like yesterday remind me why. Some friends are worth sticking with through thick and then.

Now...the negative. I have a coworker that drives me insane. I try really hard to be positive with this person but it is often quite hard. This coworker contributes very little to the team but is quick to take. For example, we did science experiments yesterday that required some outside materials. The other 3 of us quickly volunteered to bring most of the necessary items. This person never once volunteered and then got a little mad when she did not get one of the materials sent to her. HELLO....get off your lazy butt and go get it. Then she never has plans figured out for herself but is always quick to see what we have copied and take from it. Now let me clarify, I do believe that as a team you should share BUT....I believe you should do your part and not always take. Today at lunch, someone asked what I was eating and said that it looked good....her response...well, we wouldn't know since she doesn't bring enough for everyone. HELLO again...I am 29 years old and single. I have taught 7 years and yes, I still live pay check to pay check. I hope by the time I am in my 50s and have taught for over 30 years, I am no longer living that way. I hope to make better life choices. I try really hard to be patient but it is growing more and more difficult to succeed at that when I stay so frustrated by everything that comes out of her mouth. Ever so often, and that is very rarely, I enjoy a moment of conversation with her. I want to be a light for God for this person but oh my goodness, I don't know that I can. ARG.

Anyway, that's todays vent. Tonight is Bible Study with the girls and I look forward to it. We are finishing up Francis Chan's Forgotten God. If I have not already said so, I highly recommend it. I would like to read his book Crazy Love next. This is such a great group of women and I enjoy meeting with them every week and growing in the Holy Spirit with them!! It definitely makes my week a little bit better!!

Woe is Me!

I think it is a good thing that no one actually reads this thing because it gives me the freedom to be more open with my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, it helps to just get them off of the chest.

Today is just not a great day so far. I am homesick, frustrated, and probably a little pmsy.

My sister is having a baby shower today, and I am missing it. Granted it was my choice, and I had a great time yesterday, but I still feel like I am missing out. I feel like that quite often actually. My siblings are always doing things with each other and my parents. I am going to go 2 months without seeing my family at all. I realize this was the choice I made. I often question that decision. I feel like at some point, moving back closer is what I will do but when is the question. For some reason, something holds me here and I don't quite understand it. My job is okay...I don't really fit in with most of my colleagues. I just never formed really great bonds with any one other than 2 of my teammates. I have never figured that out but whatever. As I said yesterday, you can't force people to be your friend. I enjoy the kids I teach and it is a good school to work for but is that always enough. I do love my church and am enjoying spending more time with Point people. As much as I enjoy that, they aren't steadfast bonds yet that I couldn't completely live without. With time, they might be.

This whole friend thing brings me to my frustration today. One sided friendships, or friendships where one person gives and the other takes. It really takes a toll on the friendship, I believe. I am not quite sure how to explain this further without making someone mad if they happen to read this. On the other hand, maybe they need to read it and get mad. It's just little things add up until they become big things. For example, I have a friend that I take turns cooking dinner. I always try to have something planned to cook and if I don't, I will buy dinner at a restaurant and pay for both of us. On the other hand, I can't tell you the last time my friend cooked. And 90% of the time when we go out when it was my friend's night to cook, I buy my own. Can you tell me where the fairness is in that? And if I bring it up, I'm just nagging and being annoying. Isn't true friendship about honesty and working things out?? Also, my friend has been going through some life changes that I understand are difficult and I have tried to be there but it has greatly taken its toll on me. And then the one day when I am just not feeling up to par, I get turned down for an invitation to lunch. I shouldn't have to guilt the person into something but on the other hand, I think it was obvious in my voice that I was down. Sometimes, you just need a friend to be there when you need someone. That is what I feel I am lacking most in my life.

I have friends, but not someone I can get to drop anything and always be there. Oh yeah, sometimes be there, but sometimes isn't always enough. I am just frustrated and needed to vent.

The day will get better!! I will go to church tonight and spend time worshiping my God. I will spend time in spiritual discussion with some awesome people. It will be okay. It's just right now that kind of sucks and causes me to have a big fat pity party. Woe is me!

Arbonne Party = SUCCESS

So my worries were for nothing. I had people at my party and we had a great time!! We all looked so pretty with our fresh makeup!! Once we were done, we went to a place in Grapevine called Tastings. It was interesting. We sat out on the patio and had a glass of wine and some dinner. It seemed like it would be fun to go back to and try all the wines. They have a neat concept I had never seen before. You put money on a gift card type thing and then you use it at the different wine stations to get various size samples of wine. It would be a great way to try different wines. We did not chose to do that tonight but I may go back some other time and give it a try. All in all though, it was a great evening spent with some great girls!!

Party Time Nerves

I committed a few months ago to host my first sales type party. I am having an Arbonne party this afternoon. I am excited about it but a bit nervous. I have 6 people that have said they are coming but this fear keeps cropping up in my mind that they'll either forget or have something else come up. I think this may stem from the fact that no one came to my last birthday party. Of course, this is a totally different group of people for the most part. I have realized that most of the people invited to my birthday are not my true friends. They are mere acquaintances that I have tried to make friends. A few of the people I invited are truly my friend and just had something come up. Anyway, that is a totally different story and one I am obviously still hurt over. Oh well, I guess.

I hope everyone comes to this one. I missed my nephew's first Tball game and will miss my sister's baby shower because I had already committed to host this part. It will be fun and it gave me the motivation I needed to really clean my apartment. It's not perfect still but it is MUCH better!!!

The particular theme of my party is Arbonne: Hollywood Style. We are looking at the makeup line and getting makeovers. I bought champagne, cheeses, strawberries, and grapes for refreshments...I even bought champagne flutes. (Plastic but whatever!!) Afterwards, we have talked about going out somewhere nice for dinner with our makeovers. We'll see!!

I love my Bible study girls and am glad that I am starting to hang out with them more. They are all amazing Christian women and people I'd really like to get to know better. I'm kind of the old lady in the group, but that is okay. They seem to like me anyway!! :) I have missed having my group of girls to hang out with and this is a great group to get involved with!!

First the Mountaintop....Next the Valley

Finds it very frustrating that Satan always attacks when you are most on fire for God. Those mountain top experiences are always quickly followed by the valley.

This past weekend with the Easter celebrations was so great and I felt the spirit within. Today, I can't seem to fight a really terrible mood. It seems like every little thing frustrates me and just makes me want to scream.

I was so excited last night to come back to work and let his light shine through me. Today, I just want everyone to go away and leave me alone and in peace.

Yesterday, a joyous emotion was hard pressed to stay inside. Today, words of hurt and anger struggle to stay inside.

I have been reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis for my small group with The Point at IBC. It definitely seems that when you are most at peace with God and your life and ready to do good things that you are under the most attack. So I know these things...I know that this is how the life of a Christian will be. I know that the attacks I receive and the suffereing I at time feel compares nothing to that of what Jesus endured. Why then must I let it frustrate me so much and allow it to actually get to me???

Happy Easter!! HE is RISEN!!!

Well, I did it. I cooked my first Easter dinner all by myself. I kept it simple: Ham, homemade mac and cheese, broccoli rice casserole, deviled eggs, rolls, and a Cherry O'Cream pie. All were things I had either

Of course, I talked to Mom and she missed me at home and the help I usually give in the kitchen. Unfortunately, none of my siblings have ever quite learned how to do that. It comes from being the oldest I guess. Also, I was old enough to help around the house a lot when Mom went back to school. I guess I was in about 6th grade. Although, I was often frustrated by being the one that had to help out, I feel like it taught me a lot and helped shape me into who I am today. All of that being said, don't know if I'll try this again next year or go home. Right now, Mom and Dad are between churches not able to find one that really suites them both. I told Mom that if they have a church and there is a place for me to spend Easter in celebration of Christ's resurrection, than I will come home. That is tough though because I really did get a lot our of IBCs Easter services.

I feel like it is important to remember that Easter is not just the Resurrection or the Cross but a combination. I feel like you need to have the somber time of remembering what actually happened leading up to the Resurrection before you can celebrate the fact that HE ROSE!!

I did not do as well with my Lenten plan as I had hoped but will continue to work on the goal I set even though Lent is over. Rather that taking something out of my life, I decided to work on adding something to my life. That something being a time in my day dedicated to God and spending time growing in him. I do feel like I grew some during this time but the daily time was not always there. I do believe it is important so will continue to work to find that time in my day that is set aside for HIM.

Once again, I want to praise GOD for the resurrection of his son, Jesus Christ for my sins. We are each so blessed that he paid the price for us.

All Grown Up for Easter

I have reached a milestone in my life this weekend. For the first time, I am not going to be with my family for a major holiday. I made the decision to stay put for the Easter weekend. All though I miss spending time with my family, I have really enjoyed the Easter experience at Irving Bible Church this weekend. I really feel that the last few months have been a major growing period in my Christian life and this weekend has meant even more to me than it had in years past.

Maundy Thursday service was a great reminder of the preparation and events leading up to the crucification. As Pastor Andy said, that day was about the Swab, Supper, and Stare. The swab represented Jesus washing his disciples feet, the supper representing the Last Supper, and the stare referred to the stare that Jesus gave Peter after he denied knowing him three times. I remember being younger and going to the Maundy Thursday service and having my feet washed. That was a little strange. We did not do that this time but did take communion and remember that day. We left the church in silence as we prepared for the crucification day.

Good Friday was very touching because after hearing the crucification story, we were all given the opportunity to touch a large wooden cross at the front of the church. This cross was drapped with a black cloth that church goers had written their sins on. It may not have been the actual cross that Jesus died for our sins on but it did bring that thought home.

For Holy Saturday, the church showed The Passion of the Christ. As I watched the movie, I went back and forth between the urge to throw up and the desire to cry. The fact that Jesus went through that horror for me and my sins makes me hurt so badly. It makes me feel so unworthy but at the same time so grateful that he was willing to do that for me so that I might have life after lasting. I had seen the movie before but I think it affected me even more this time than it did the last time because of where I feel I am in my Christian walk now compared to where I was then.

I look forward to the Easter service tomorrow evening as we remove the black cloth and replace it with a white one to represent that he is RISEN!! If not for that, none of the other would have mattered nor would Christmas. I try to remember that fact at Christmas as well as this Easter season. If Jesus had never risen, there would be no point in celebrating his birth or his death!!

No matter what may bring me down in my life, I must always remember that I am not alone and that this is just my temporary home. (Carrie Underwood's latest song just really hits me hard.) One day, I will be in Eternity with Jesus...I pray that you'll be there with me also!!!

HAPPY EASTER TO ONE AND ALL!!!